A tail of lies, heartbreak and a love like no other. (pt 2)

A tail of lies, heartbreak and a love like no other. (pt 2)

“There are no constraints on the human mind, no walls around the human spirit, no barriers to our progress except those we ourselves erect.” – Ronald Reagan

And now everything has changed, I am more ‘me’ than I have ever been before.

Because, after everything that had happened with my ex husband, I thought my deepest insecurities has been confirmed: I thought I was completely unlovable. All of my previous fears of loss and rejection had now become the most unbearable of realities.

But in reality, that heartbreak was nothing compared to the one I experienced some two months ago. You see, 12 months ago, I met a man that completely swept me off my feet. And he gave me butterflies so bloody much, I should have considered opening a zoo!

He still makes me feel this way to this day. And in all honesty, I doubt I will ever feel this way about anyone else.

The problem was, walls I had built as a means of protection, ended up hurting me in a way I could have never imagined. He spent so long trying to reassure me that he wasn’t like the rest of them, that I lost sight of the reasons I had fallen in love with him in the first place. I second guessed every single word he said and I eventually pushed him away.

I believed that one day, he would do the same things to me that my ex husband had done. I thought all men were the same. Except, I actually did think he was different. He absolutely was not like my ex, or anyone before or after him.  But I only had an 8 year relationship and a few mixed up months to go on. This, mixed with my anxiety and PTSD, meant that I always tried to keep him at a distance. The walls I had put up to keep me safe needed to come down in order for it to work and as quickly as he was chipping away at the bricks, I was putting them back up.  I had not dealt with the heartbreak and pain that I had been through before meeting him and unfortunately, being stubborn means that I find it difficult to admit when I am wrong, so much so that I rarely do it. So when something would upset me or annoy me, my immediate reaction was to run.

I would tell him it was over, never actually wanting it to be. I never meant a single word I said when I would say it, but I would say it anyway because I thought it would be easier for him to walk away early on and that in turn would save me the heartbreak in the future. And every single time, he would tell me I was being silly, that he loved me and that it would be fine. Except that last time.

This time, something was different. This time, he agreed and told me he thought it was for the best.

I felt as though my world had ended all over again. It felt as if all the love I’d known had been extinguished in a single second. And I was absolutely heartbroken. And in spite of his willingness to let me go, I held on to him in the hope that this despairing situation would somehow turn around. If only I could win his heart back, we could have everything we had really wanted…

I think what hurt the most, was that he was so unwilling to talk to me about it. That he had promised he would always be there. That he would always fight for ‘us’ when I was unable to do that. I was so angry at myself for believing every single word he had said and that once again, I had let a man break my heart. And this time it hurt so much because I actually loved him so much.The man I once adored. The man I once wanted to grow old and grey with. The man I had trusted, had made me feel like I had never meant a single thing to him. That I was just someone to fill some time. That every bloody thing he said to me was nothing more than a twisted lie!

It’s kind of messed up isn’t it? How all of a sudden, someone just decides that they don’t want to talk to you or see you again. No real reason. No explanation. No words really said… They just leave you hanging like you never meant anything to them and what hurts so much more, is how they make it look so easy when your heart is breaking into a million pieces.

And it is hard. It is really really hard, leaving a relationship without any real closure. Without any real reason why it had to come to an end in the first place. It makes moving on extremely difficult. I don’t think you can ever forget someone that once was the reason you smiled everyday.

For months, I have completely blamed my self for the break down of our relationship. I thought it was all down to me. My insecurities. My inability to move on from what had happened in the past. But half of this is on him. Because it takes two people to make a relationship work. When I needed him the most, he turned his back and walked away. He chose to lie to me about how he really felt about me. He chose to not fight for us like he had promised. He chose to leave the woman he ‘loved’ when she was suffering with mental health problems without a second thought about it, because it didn’t suit him.

And that is not down to me. That’s down to him being lazy and being a complete coward. And I was stupid enough to think he was better than that. He was not the man I fell in love with. He was not the man he made me think he was. And do you know something… I have absolutely no regrets about ending it that morning, because at least now I can see him for who he really is. At least now I can see that I deserve someone better than that. Because despite the battle I had going on in my head, I fought for us, for him, for two and a half months. I tried and tried to get him to see that this was the wrong decision for both of us.

And I meant so little to him that he wouldn’t even allow us to have a conversation, like he had promised. And whilst now I realise I should have characterised him by his actions, not been fooled by his words, I am glad I allowed him to fool me. I am glad I fell in love with him. And I am glad he walked away. Because I can now move on knowing I don’t need him in my life, despite him wanting to keep me in his by being his ‘friend’. I am an all or nothing kind of a girl… and you don’t get the have me halfheartedly! I just don’t work like that!

I am more than grateful for the lessons I have learnt from this relationship. I do not regret loving him for a second. And I am absolute at fault in parts. I realise that I did not give him the respect and love that he deserved at times. I am aware that I didn’t try as hard as he would have liked with spending time with him and his friends and family. But, he let me down by not realising that I had no control over my anxieties and that all I needed was for him to support me through my recovery. He let me down by walking away.

If you have ever suffered from anxiety, you will know that you have zero control over the way it makes you feel. You have no control over the deep fears in the pit of your stomach and the actions that these fears make you take.

If I had control over my anxieties, we would probably still be together. But in turn, he should have seen how much I needed his help and he should have got off his lazy ass and supported me, not walked away!

Thankfully, I have now learnt how to deal with them in a way which does not let them consume my life anymore. It has taken months of hard work and determination and believe me, my recovery is far from over, but the hard work I have done so far has resulted in me being ready to show him just how incredible this could have been. To show him just how far I have come and prove to him that I could still be the girl he fell in love with, but better….

But now I realise, that because he found it so easy to walk away when I was at my worst… that now he absolutely does not deserve to have me at my best.

We end up in toxic relationships because we don’t stand up for ourselves when red flags occur. We let them slide, simply because we fear losing a companion. But how long do you let disrespect and neglect go? At some point, you need to develop healthy barriers for how you are going to allow yourself to be treated.

And regardless of how much it hurts right now, I know it will pass. Every day gets a little brighter and a little easier.

I know now that if your heart hurts after letting go of something or someone, that is an acceptable way to feel. It just shows that your feelings were 100% genuine.

No one likes things coming to an end. No one enjoys the pain it brings. But sometimes, we have to put things that were once amazing to an end after they end up turning toxic for our wellbeing.

You have to understand that not every new beginning is meant to last forever and not every person that walks into your life, if meant to stay.

I have absolutely no doubt in my mind that one day, probably sooner rather than later, he will realise just how much of a mistake he has made. He will realise that he should have fought a little harder and held on a little tighter. And when he does, he has my number to discuss it if he decides to get off his lazy ass and do something.

I did try to be his friend like he had wanted and I couldn’t, no matter how much I would have liked to have kept him in my life.

I had to say goodbye.

I had to let go.

I have finally realised that the man I once loved, had become a stranger to me.

And I guess that is what saying goodbye is always like – It is like jumping off the edge of a cliff. The worst part is making the choice to do it because once you are in the air, there is nothing to do but let go.

And there is a huge difference between goodbye and letting go.

Goodbye means “I’ll see you again when I’m ready to hold your hand and when you are ready to hold mine”.

But letting go means “I’ll miss your hand and now I realise it is no longer mine to hold and now I will never get to hold it again.”

But sometimes, you just have to let go, regardless of how much it hurts you. Regardless of how much it keeps you awake at night,

And one day, you will meet someone new; and ultimately they are going to find out how you chew, how you sip. How you dance and sing. How your face looks underneath makeup or how wild your hair looks in the morning. How you love strawberries and chocolate or a chicken and crisp sandwich. How hyper you can get after having too much coffee.

How certain songs and movies make you happy or how cranky you can get when you’re tired. They will still think you are beautiful regardless of all of that.

They are going to know almost everything about you, the good and the bad,

And do you know what?

They are still going to love you regardless!

I know he is still the man I fell in love with deep down. I don’t know where or why he lost the part of him self that he gave to me: the self he had let me see and love anyway. And in all honesty, I think he does still love me.

Everyone saw the way he looked at me. I looked into those eyes and saw complete love and adoration and I know that doesn’t disappear, even after a few months.

So who knows, one day I may just get the conversation that he promised me. And if I don’t, that is fine too… because losing him meant that I was able to find myself. And for me, that makes losing him worth every second!

Belle x

© 2017 Belle’s Notepad (Laura Denton)

A tail of lies, heartbreak and a love like no other. (pt 1)

A tail of lies, heartbreak and a love like no other. (pt 1)

” The reason it hurts so much to separate is because our souls are connected.”- The Notebook

For me, falling in love with someone that is your perfect fit, is probably one of the most magical feelings in the world.

Unfortunately, it’s not uncommon to find yourself falling in love ( or more simply, lust) with the wrong person, before finding your perfect fit. But when you finally meet the “one” for you, you will realise it was absolutely worth the wait… after all, you have to kiss a few frogs before finding your “Prince Charming”.

Forget everything you thought you knew about relationships and love, because all of that will suddenly be turned on it’s head.

I got married when I was just 24 years old and in all honesty, I genuinely thought that I had found the man of my dreams. I thought I knew all I needed to know about being in love, but this past year has taught me that I actually had no idea what it truly felt like.

For me, falling in love literally feels like a butterfly farm in the pit of my stomach. In fact, there is so much going on, it is almost a fully fledged zoo! And I have only ever felt that feeling because of one person.

I am sure that because of him, every day the sun seemed to shine a little brighter and the birds sung a little louder. I was so in love that I could have literally high-five’d complete strangers just walking down the street going about there daily business. I have those butterflies right now and that is because I am simply remembering the way he used to make me feel…

The early stages of a relationship can be utterly confusing. You tend to puzzle over your own feelings and deliberate on what the person you are dating really thinks of you and even your own emotions may be difficult to decipher. Trying to categorise your feelings as falling in love or as just a passing attraction can be tricky, however I truly believe that if it is ‘true love’ you somehow just ‘know’.

At this stage, it is really easy to get wrapped up in a fairy tale and act in a way that makes you some one you are not. It is really easy to say the things you think your other half wants to hear. And whilst this may feel like the right thing to do at the time, it may just come round and bite you on the backside later on down the line.

I know this, because devastatingly, this has recently happened to me. You see, for the past 12 months, I have been in love with a man that unfortunately did just that… he lied to me and told me all the things he thought I wanted to hear. And because of his words and actions, I was so sure that we both wanted the same things out of our lives together. And now I question if there was ever any truth in anything he ever said to me. But now I know that I am equally to blame…

You see, loving someone completely with every inch of your being for so long, and building your entire life around them, makes it very difficult to move on when it doesn’t work out. It also makes it extremely difficult to love and trust anyone again and so as a means of protecting yourself, you find your self building your walls up faster than anyone can knock them down!

So let me explain to you exactly why I built those walls up…

When I was just 24 years old, I married a man that I thought was my best friend. Despite previously cheating on me, I trusted him 100% and honestly believed him when he said he wouldn’t do it again. I married him and believed every god damn lie he ever told me… all because I loved him. I trusted him more than anyone else in world, regardless of how badly he treated me.

Towards the end of 2015, I had watched his behaviour change massively and I recognised a pattern which I had seen 4 years previously. I knew 100% in my gut that he was cheating on me and I accused him hundreds of times. And every time, he talked his way out of it and convinced me it was all in my head, so much so that one day I almost checked myself into a mental health hospital because he had convinced me I was loosing the plot and ruining our relationship because everything I thought I was seeing or hearing was in actual fact, ‘all in my head’. At the same time, my Mom was battling terminal cancer and at his request, we were trying for a baby!

Around Christmas time, things seem to get a little better. I was pregnant and we all knew it would be my Mom’s last Christmas, so my focus shifted off his actions and on to that.

And then on the 27th December, my world fell apart when I began to bleed at his families Christmas Day Party. I lost the baby and had absolutely no support from him what so ever. I couldn’t talk to my Mom about it, because even though she was my best friend, she was dying and I was so scared that telling her would break her heart and we could lose her. I was all alone and my world was falling apart. And then, two weeks later on the Saturday morning, I found a message on his phone that confirmed all of my suspicions. He had been having an affair for 6 months with a much older woman he had met at the gym. I called my friend, packed my bags and went to stay with her some 70 miles away. I had never left him before. He had told me for 8 years that I ‘needed him’ and he had made me believe that I did. So, I had always stayed put after an argument and waited for him to come home and sort it out. But I was absolutely devastated and I just had to get away.

The following morning at 3:30 am, my phone begin to rang. It was my Dad. Panic immediately set in… he only ever called me when something was wrong. He said that my husband and I had to get to my parents house immediately because my Mom needed to go to hospital because she was in severe pain. I told him that I had gone away for a ‘girls weekend’ and that I would get back as soon as I could. I called my husband and told him to go to my parents house and to the hospital with them… I could not let them know something has happened because my Mom and my husband were like best friends and I knew it would absolutely break their hearts. I had not stayed at my friends house for 4 years, in the fear that doing so would mean I would not be close to my Mom in case anything happened.

That journey was the longest of my life. I am not a religious person, but i prayed every second of that journey home that I would make it back to my Mom in time.

I did. The hospital sent her home. I arrived home and spoke to my husband. He told me he was going to the ‘gym’ and that we would talk when he got home. I went to my parents house and sat with my Mom for 3 hours. She was the most awake we had seen her in weeks. She knew something was wrong and she knew that I has lost the baby. I can’t explain how she knew, mother’s intuition I suppose. But even in her last few hours, she comforted me and told me everything would work out in the end. She asked for my husband and I tried to call him time after time, but he did not pick up.

At 10:22 am, on Sunday 10th January 2016, my Mom told me how much she loved me and my brother. She said “You two are my entire world and I will love you forever.”           I held her so tightly and told her that we loved her too and to stop being silly. I guess forever could not spare a minuet more.

And in that moment, my life as I knew it was over.

She took her last breath cuddled in my arms with her best friend beside us and then, she was gone.

The next few weeks passed in a blur. I threw myself into arranging her funeral and making sure that everything was perfect for her final goodbye. I stayed with my husband, I just could not break the hearts of my family even more than they were already broken. He had promised the affair was over, but I knew it wasn’t. It was just the wrong time for me to walk away.

But on March 6th, Mother’s day, my first Mother’s Day without my incredible Mom… I woke up and realised enough was enough. I had finally realised that I deserved more and found the courage I needed, to be able to finally walk away from him.

And it was the best decision I have ever made. Admittedly, it was the hardest decision of my life. But if I has stayed, I would have never experienced the real feeling of true love…

© 2017 Belle’s Notepad (Laura Denton)

Someday today

Someday today

“Authenticity is a collection of choices that we have to make every day. It’s about the choice to show up and be real. The choice to be honest. The choice to let our true selves be seen.” – Brené Brown

Choice; It’s a funny old thing.

Everyday, we make hundreds of choices without even realising that we are doing it. The choice between toast or cereal for breakfast, a choice between a mug of coffee or strong cup of tea.

A choice between getting out of bed in a morning no matter how terrifying the thought, or pulling the covers back over your head, feeling safe and forgetting the world.
The problem is, the world is still there on the other side of that duvet no matter how much you pretend it isn’t.

Choices have consequences.

One of my best friend once did this. She hid herself from the world because of her anxieties and lost everything she was about.

One day, she made a choice to throw back the covers.
She made the choice to get up and face the world and chase the dreams that she had someday wished to fulfill.
She realised that she deserved more than the darkness that had consumed her being for so long.

The consequence of her actions that one morning means that now, she has made a business for herself, she works extremely hard and provides an amazing life for her and her son. She made the choice to face her demons head on and as a result, lives a happier and more fulfilled life. She decided that her “someday”, would be “today”.

It’s like a choice between following your head, or following your heart.

So flippant are we with making these choices, that sometimes we so easily forget the consequences that follow such choices and we lose sight of the person who is making those choices.
We lose sight that these actions may also affect those around us. The ones that truly mean the most to us.

As children, choices are made for us by our parents. They are made with us in mind.
The schools we attend, the places we visit on holiday, the clothes we wear. Every little thing, is chosen for us.
But as we enter adulthood, those choices become our own responsibility. And these choices, have consequences!

Just over eight years ago, I made a choice to enter into a relationship with a man that I had chosen to be with. I chose to live with him and build a home and life with him. He was my absolute world and every choice I made, I made with him in mind.

The problem was that the majority of choices he made, he made with himself in mind. He didn’t think about how those choices would ever affect me.

Within those eight years, he choose to cheat on me, at least twice. And both times, I chose to forgive and forget and stay by his side, honouring the vows I had made to him. But the consequence of doing so, made me lose sight of who I was. I lost sight of what I truly wanted and what I truly deserved.

I loved him. I loved him so much that sometimes, I couldn’t breath. He consumed my entire being and that was why I allowed him to treat me the way he did. I don’t know what he got out of destroying me time after time. But I hope that he never puts anyone else through that. And if he does, I hope they find the strength to make the choice to walk away.

I waited for him. I gave him chance after chance after chance and I left him with every god damn thing I had. And he took it all without a care in the world. I tried to hang on because I thought he was worth it.

And one day, I just stopped waiting. I gave him the world and I kept fighting long after I should have walked away. But it was me and me alone, that made the choice to stay!

I don’t want to hear that he now misses me. I’m bloody glad that he does! Because I allowed him to control my choices for too long. And leaving him, was the best choice I have ever made.

How many scars do we have to justify, just because we love the person holding the knife?

The past year has taught me a lot about making choices for myself. You see, almost twelve months ago, I met a man that I thought was literally everything I had ever dreamt of.

He came into my life when I least expected it and turned my entire world upside down. Compassionate, intelligent and devoted. He really was my very own “Prince Charming”. The problem was, that I couldn’t see in myself, what he saw when he looked at me.

You see, when someone cheats on you, it messes you up. You think about every single thing someone says to you twice. Even three bloody times, just trying to figure out if they really mean what they say.
You have this constant anxiety that they are hiding something or that they are just going to randomly leave and you over think when they short text you or take a while to reply.

It’s not something that you can control. It’s just the behaviour that you have learnt as a result of being cheated on. It’s extremely hard to believe someone when they say you are the only one for them, when the last person that said it is now in someone else’s bed.

If you are dating someone that has been cheated on, please be patient. Understand that it’s not you, it’s the piece of shit that came before you and we are sorry that you have to deal with the “mess” that they caused. We are trying to learn how to trust again and choosing to let someone new in after so much heartbreak, is a very difficult choice to make.

I made the choice to let someone else in.

He broke my heart.

But in a strange way, I am glad that he did!

For over twelve months, I have been suffering from anxiety and PTSD. I put on a front that everything was ok and that I was strong because the alternative was admitting that I had a problem and in my eyes, that wasn’t a sign of being strong.

I was embarrassed to say that I was suffering with a mental health problem because to me, that was a sign of weakness. Everyone around me could see that there was a problem however, I was not ready to admit it myself and I was not ready to make the choice to get some help.

Seeing him become distant and uninterested made me realise that he wasn’t the problem, I was.

It was my choice to take on all of the stress and grief from my family and friends after the death of my Mother. It was my choice to try and be strong for everyone else. My strength carried them all through the toughest time, but as a result, I got lost along the way.

That was my choice, not theirs.

But it was his choice weather or not he held my hand and helped me through it, or walked away.

Unfortunately, he wasn’t able to be the man I needed him to be and he walked away. And I don’t blame him.

It must have taken a lot of strength for him to walk away from the woman he loved. He had kept me safe in a bubble for almost twelve months and whilst that bubble was still there, I was never going to admit that I needed help. So I am beyond grateful to him for showing me that I needed that help and for setting me free and allowing me to do it by myself.

I didn’t make a mistake by loving him, or my ex husband. Or anyone else for that matter.

You should never ever regret loving someone. Because you didn’t actually make a mistake by giving them a chance. That’s a true display of strength, not shame.
You didn’t make a mistake by trusting them, believing them or being there for them.

And do you know why?

Because your actions reflect you.
You would do this for anyone that comes your way. It just happened that those were not appreciative of your pure intentions. You didn’t make a mistake.
The mistake was their choice to make by not appreciating and respecting your beautiful heart.

And I hope that someday he can appreciate how far I have come and see that by him making the choice not to fight for it, he enabled me to able to do this all by myself, for myself!

I know that someday he will realise that I am once again, the girl he fell madly in love with. Someday, he may just understand how much he truly meant to me and I really do hope that he understands how grateful I am to have had him in my life, even though I was unable to show it at times.

Because you see, for him I may just have been a chapter, but for me, he was the entire book!

I’ve finished that book now.
Now it’s time to write a new one!

So when it comes down to it, have that extra piece of chocolate if you really want it and finish that bottle of wine.
Make the choices that will make you happy but bare the consequences in mind. Start living for today and be true and authentic to yourself.

If you’re having a hard time of things, be honest with yourself and take that leap of faith and ask for help. Walk away from that toxic friendship or relationship. Because whatever you’re feeling, it will eventually pass. You won’t feel sad forever and at some point, you honestly will feel happy again!

You won’t feel anxious or worried forever and in time, you will feel calm again. You don’t have to fight your feelings or feel guilty for having them. You just have to accept them and be kind to yourself whilst you ride this out.

Resisting your emotions and shaming yourself will only cause you more pain and you absolutely do not deserve that. You deserve your own love, acceptance and compassion!

And if there is something that you feel strongly about, speak up. If there is something that you really want to do but haven’t had the courage to do so… then now is the time to stop dragging your heels, get up and turn that “someday” in to “today”!

Belle x

© 2017 Belle’s Notepad (Laura Denton)