” The reason it hurts so much to separate is because our souls are connected.”- The Notebook
For me, falling in love with someone that is your perfect fit, is probably one of the most magical feelings in the world.
Unfortunately, it’s not uncommon to find yourself falling in love ( or more simply, lust) with the wrong person, before finding your perfect fit. But when you finally meet the “one” for you, you will realise it was absolutely worth the wait… after all, you have to kiss a few frogs before finding your “Prince Charming”.
Forget everything you thought you knew about relationships and love, because all of that will suddenly be turned on it’s head.
I got married when I was just 24 years old and in all honesty, I genuinely thought that I had found the man of my dreams. I thought I knew all I needed to know about being in love, but this past year has taught me that I actually had no idea what it truly felt like.
For me, falling in love literally feels like a butterfly farm in the pit of my stomach. In fact, there is so much going on, it is almost a fully fledged zoo! And I have only ever felt that feeling because of one person.
I am sure that because of him, every day the sun seemed to shine a little brighter and the birds sung a little louder. I was so in love that I could have literally high-five’d complete strangers just walking down the street going about there daily business. I have those butterflies right now and that is because I am simply remembering the way he used to make me feel…
The early stages of a relationship can be utterly confusing. You tend to puzzle over your own feelings and deliberate on what the person you are dating really thinks of you and even your own emotions may be difficult to decipher. Trying to categorise your feelings as falling in love or as just a passing attraction can be tricky, however I truly believe that if it is ‘true love’ you somehow just ‘know’.
At this stage, it is really easy to get wrapped up in a fairy tale and act in a way that makes you some one you are not. It is really easy to say the things you think your other half wants to hear. And whilst this may feel like the right thing to do at the time, it may just come round and bite you on the backside later on down the line.
I know this, because devastatingly, this has recently happened to me. You see, for the past 12 months, I have been in love with a man that unfortunately did just that… he lied to me and told me all the things he thought I wanted to hear. And because of his words and actions, I was so sure that we both wanted the same things out of our lives together. And now I question if there was ever any truth in anything he ever said to me. But now I know that I am equally to blame…
You see, loving someone completely with every inch of your being for so long, and building your entire life around them, makes it very difficult to move on when it doesn’t work out. It also makes it extremely difficult to love and trust anyone again and so as a means of protecting yourself, you find your self building your walls up faster than anyone can knock them down!
So let me explain to you exactly why I built those walls up…
When I was just 24 years old, I married a man that I thought was my best friend. Despite previously cheating on me, I trusted him 100% and honestly believed him when he said he wouldn’t do it again. I married him and believed every god damn lie he ever told me… all because I loved him. I trusted him more than anyone else in world, regardless of how badly he treated me.
Towards the end of 2015, I had watched his behaviour change massively and I recognised a pattern which I had seen 4 years previously. I knew 100% in my gut that he was cheating on me and I accused him hundreds of times. And every time, he talked his way out of it and convinced me it was all in my head, so much so that one day I almost checked myself into a mental health hospital because he had convinced me I was loosing the plot and ruining our relationship because everything I thought I was seeing or hearing was in actual fact, ‘all in my head’. At the same time, my Mom was battling terminal cancer and at his request, we were trying for a baby!
Around Christmas time, things seem to get a little better. I was pregnant and we all knew it would be my Mom’s last Christmas, so my focus shifted off his actions and on to that.
And then on the 27th December, my world fell apart when I began to bleed at his families Christmas Day Party. I lost the baby and had absolutely no support from him what so ever. I couldn’t talk to my Mom about it, because even though she was my best friend, she was dying and I was so scared that telling her would break her heart and we could lose her. I was all alone and my world was falling apart. And then, two weeks later on the Saturday morning, I found a message on his phone that confirmed all of my suspicions. He had been having an affair for 6 months with a much older woman he had met at the gym. I called my friend, packed my bags and went to stay with her some 70 miles away. I had never left him before. He had told me for 8 years that I ‘needed him’ and he had made me believe that I did. So, I had always stayed put after an argument and waited for him to come home and sort it out. But I was absolutely devastated and I just had to get away.
The following morning at 3:30 am, my phone begin to rang. It was my Dad. Panic immediately set in… he only ever called me when something was wrong. He said that my husband and I had to get to my parents house immediately because my Mom needed to go to hospital because she was in severe pain. I told him that I had gone away for a ‘girls weekend’ and that I would get back as soon as I could. I called my husband and told him to go to my parents house and to the hospital with them… I could not let them know something has happened because my Mom and my husband were like best friends and I knew it would absolutely break their hearts. I had not stayed at my friends house for 4 years, in the fear that doing so would mean I would not be close to my Mom in case anything happened.
That journey was the longest of my life. I am not a religious person, but i prayed every second of that journey home that I would make it back to my Mom in time.
I did. The hospital sent her home. I arrived home and spoke to my husband. He told me he was going to the ‘gym’ and that we would talk when he got home. I went to my parents house and sat with my Mom for 3 hours. She was the most awake we had seen her in weeks. She knew something was wrong and she knew that I has lost the baby. I can’t explain how she knew, mother’s intuition I suppose. But even in her last few hours, she comforted me and told me everything would work out in the end. She asked for my husband and I tried to call him time after time, but he did not pick up.
At 10:22 am, on Sunday 10th January 2016, my Mom told me how much she loved me and my brother. She said “You two are my entire world and I will love you forever.” I held her so tightly and told her that we loved her too and to stop being silly. I guess forever could not spare a minuet more.
And in that moment, my life as I knew it was over.
She took her last breath cuddled in my arms with her best friend beside us and then, she was gone.
The next few weeks passed in a blur. I threw myself into arranging her funeral and making sure that everything was perfect for her final goodbye. I stayed with my husband, I just could not break the hearts of my family even more than they were already broken. He had promised the affair was over, but I knew it wasn’t. It was just the wrong time for me to walk away.
But on March 6th, Mother’s day, my first Mother’s Day without my incredible Mom… I woke up and realised enough was enough. I had finally realised that I deserved more and found the courage I needed, to be able to finally walk away from him.
And it was the best decision I have ever made. Admittedly, it was the hardest decision of my life. But if I has stayed, I would have never experienced the real feeling of true love…
© 2017 Belle’s Notepad (Laura Denton)