“And in the end, letting go was a lot like finding love. I had to learn to say goodbye to the one who gave me the courage to say hello.”– R.M Drake
Believe me, I am not saying goodbye to my life, if that is what worries you. No, I’m certainly not doing that. Truth is, I am saying goodbye to someone who I saw as my life, once upon a time. This is me, saying goodbye, to you!
So, I guess this is it right? After all this time we have spent not talking. After all the days we spent snuggled in each others arms. After bearing our souls, staying up until four in the morning, sharing our secrets and insecurities. After everything we have endured together… we only get to say goodbye to each other. There is no longer a ‘forever’ for the two of us, at least not together anyway.
But we tried, didn’t we? We tried so hard, so many of the same conversations happening time and time again… a never-ending cycle that we both eventually got tired of. I know you got tired. I’m sorry you didn’t have the strength to be strong for the both of us when I couldn’t find that strength in me. What a shitty thing we had to do… having to say goodbye to someone whom we pictured our entire futures with.
Because you know, I pictured mine with you. Even after we split up, I couldn’t imagine it with anyone else… for a while anyway. I strongly believed that after you, I really would just end up being a ‘crazy cat-lady’ until the end of time. At least that was what I had promised myself I should be. You got me a drinks coaster that had those words printed on it, remember? What a fun bag of goodies that was.
I thought I was one heartbreak away from having that life, and I truly thought that you were my ultimate heartbreaker. You hurt me more than you could have ever imagined.
I struggled for so long to say goodbye to you, because I still loved you, completely and unbearably. You know I am an annoyingly clingy person anyway, so I guess that is why I held on to you for so long. It was just so damn hard to say goodbye to the one person I thought knew me better than anyone else. And, if truth be told, I didn’t want to say goodbye to you. Because for so long, you were all I had ever wanted. All I had ever dreamed of. But, you eventually wake up from a dream though, don’t you?
The sh*tty thing was, you became the biggest stranger to me after a while. I can remember how you once told me that we could work anything out. I remember just how uncontrollably and silently I sobbed on holiday in the bathroom… you told me that you would never give up on me. On us! I looked in to your eyes that night and I honestly believed you.
And I don’t know how or why that ever changed. Because you would never give me any real solid answer. You just left, without a care in the world. Every word you had ever said, nothing but a distant memory. Nothing but a lie. What did you think you would achieve by telling me all the things you thought I wanted to hear? With or without those promises… I still loved you more than you could have ever imagined.
Why didn’t we ever have that conversation like you promised? My guess is that you just didn’t, at any point, love me enough to give me the opportunity to get the closure I needed. And I will never know if I was right about that or not!
So often I thought about picking up the phone and calling you to ask you to go for a drink… just so I could look in to your eyes one last time, and actually believe you when you said it was over. But there was no real point, was there? Because lets face it, you couldn’t have meant a single word you ever said, could you? If you had, you would never have so easily walked away when I needed you the most, right?
This is not about be bashing you, or making you out to be some kind of monster. You could never be that. You were kind. You were loving. You were loyal and devoted. You looked at me in a way that I did not recognise and you made me feel like there was nobody else in the world that could compare to me. You made me feel like I was made for loving you.
You held me tighter than anyone had ever held me before and you sat with me when I felt like my entire world was falling apart and you helped me to try to rebuild it. You made me realise that I didn’t need to be strong anymore, and that it was okay not to be okay. You made me feel safe again. You were all I thought I had ever wanted. And you made me believe that I had found my very own “happily ever after”.
But then you broke my heart. What happened?
I think you were right you know… fairy tales just don’t exist in real life, at least not like they do in the Disney films anyway. So I’ve decided to free myself from this, once and for all. Because it killed me when I finally realised it was over, you know. I cried myself to sleep for weeks, simply because I missed being able to talk to you, hold your hand and listen out for your stupid moans and groans. I missed your terrible jokes and how you would say “Good Morning” even at seven o’clock at night. I missed your cheesy little notes and the way you would tuck your finger into my underwear as we slept, just so you could check I was still next to you.
I was angry that I didn’t get to wake up next to you any longer. Angry that I was no longer able to cook for you, do your washing, or kiss when you would get home after a long day at work (and an even longer walk home.) I was angry that there would never be an ‘Eric’ or that we would never get to share our last names. I don’t get to cry in your arms after a bad dream nor do I get to hear your shocking singing in the shower. Because we don’t get to be just ‘the two of us’ any longer. There is just you and I, but there is no us anymore. I still don’t understand how I got to meet you, fall in love with you, plan my future with you and then have to let you go. And I never will understand why that happens to people!
But there was no other option, was there? And whilst it hurt more than anything to let go of you, I realised that you are still a kid at heart and I am an old soul. We were so different and our views on what was important changed. I thought our differences would form a unique relationship and I was right. The sh*t part is, it didn’t last.
I was never afraid of goodbyes, you know that. I only ever saw goodbye as a temporary thing because I always did my best to meet again the people I cared so dearly for. But I don’t get to do that this time. Because this one; this goodbye, is one I will hate for the rest of my life. Because this goodbye is not temporary. This goodbye is forever.
Please don’t ever think that I regret you. I don’t. I never could. You were exactly who I needed, when I needed it most. And for that, I will forever be grateful. You touched my soul and you held it tight and for that, I loved you dearly. You made me realise that it was okay to love again.
And that is exactly what I have done. And for now, it feels pretty amazing. I just hope that one day you do too. Because no one deserves to be a third wheel at the wrestling for the rest of their life!
© 2017 Belle’s Notepad (Laura Denton)